- Specials

Dinner at Jagger’s

The Scene: In the wood-and-stone lined kitchen of Mick Jagger’s Richmond home, The Rolling Stones sit around an enormous oval oak table; Keith Richards has his shoes up and is picking gravel out of the soles: Charlie Watts, tight-lipped, is reading a copy of The Independent; Ronnie Wood is playing with a tabby cat on his lap, occasionally pulling its tail. Jagger sets a roast leg of lamb at his end of the table, amongst sprouts, salad, salad dressing and various bottles of red wine and rum.

Mick Jagger: ‘Alright guys, time to eat. Hope you like it. Keef, careful of the bones.’

Keith Richards: ‘Fuck you, poofter. Hahahahahaha.’

Mick Jagger: ‘Alright. I’ll carve. Charlie, what do you reckon about this Glastonbury offer?’

Charlie Watts: ‘What? Oh. Well I don’t know, I’m a bit busy this year, know what I mean?’

Mick Jagger: ‘Too busy for Glastonbury? Man, it’s the world’s premier music festival! Have you seen the money on the table?’

Keith Richards: ‘ Show us then, you tosser, all I can see is sheep and shoes.’

Mick Jagger: ‘Come on, it’s not about the money, is it? Ronnie, how much money have you got these days?’

Ronnie Wood: ‘Fuckin’ loads mate, heheheheh. Whatever you want guys, I’m up for it.’

Mick Jagger: ‘Well me too. But are we gig-ready?’

Charlie Watts: ‘What the fuck are you talking about gig-ready? We haven’t been gig-ready or even compos-mentis for fifty years, why do you give a shit now?’

Mick Jagger: ‘God, Charlie, I thought I could rely on you! Alright Keef, do you think we’re gig-ready? Or are you even bothered?’

Keith Richards: ‘I just want to play the blues man. Anything as long it’s not that fucking Heavy Stereo shit you were doing with that west-country bint’

Mick Jagger: ‘It was SUPER HEAVY, and Joss Stone is a great soul singer! God Keef, you are so unfair sometimes.’

Keith Richards: ‘She was fuckin’ crap man. And so were you. Dickhead.’

Mick Jagger: ‘Why are you so determined to scupper everything I try to do for you? Can’t you see how much me and Charlie sacrifice, just to make sure you can play, just to keep the name going? You are so ungrateful!’

Keith Richards: ‘I don’t care. You can both sod off. Johnny Depp looks after me these days.’

Mick Jagger: ‘Johnny Depp is an ACTOR! He can’t play guitar, he doesn’t care about you, hasn’t been wiping your stupid arse for half a century!’

Keith Richards: ‘This is about your little knob reference in my book, innit? Just face it, you big nonce.’

Mick Jagger: ‘It is NOT about that, I thought we were past that! You just have absolutely no respect, thought for others, or your future! You’re a bloody disgrace!’ (Mick flounces out)

Charlie Watts: ‘Glastonbury then?’

Keith Richards: ‘Course. Not fuckin’ totally stupid, are we? Heheh.’

This article is a work of fiction.

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